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Archive for the ‘Introspection’ Category

“crybaby”

That was my nickname within my family when I was growing up. My mother used to tell people that if they looked at me crosseyed, I’d tear up (which, inevitably made me cry).

I would cry when I was happy, cry when I was sad, cry when I was mad, cry when I was bored, cry when I felt I was being treated unjustly, cry when I was bullied, cry when it wasn’t my turn and I wanted it to be, cry .. cry ..cry .. I was the “crybaby” my sister declared me to be.

In high school, it took very little to get the tear ducts working …

In my early adulthood, I think I cried more than I laughed.

I got married … and soon after, divorced. I’m not going to go into reasons for the divorce as that is more his story to tell than mine. Yes, it effected me, deeply, but it is still his story and I respect him for it.

Despite him telling me that his reasons were his own and not me … I still decided that ‘crybaby’ was the cause … the day he came and asked for a divorce, I went back into my apartment and sat down and cried and cried and cried.

And then I stopped … I had no way of knowing that they would all but stop for good.

I didn’t cry the day the divorce was granted. I didnt’ cry when my first relationship after him broke up. Or when the next guy that I was dating (engaged to actually) broke up to move back home.
I didn’t cry …

I can name the times and events that brought tears to my eyes since … and in 26 years I’m not sure there should be so few times that one has cried that they can name them.

I’ve had many reasons to cry …but only a few times that the tears have fallen …

I’m working on feeling emotions … really feeling them. Not supressing them. Not ignoring them ..but experiencing the emotions ..both good and bad. I’m trying to figure out how to get the tears turned back on. So far, I’ve not found that key.

I will tear up for happy, so I know the tears ducts work ..

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