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Archive for September, 2011

Fear

When my oldest was born and got sick so young … we put him in the hospital, gave him antibiotics and IV’s … we learned to live with protection …we *did* something.

When my youngest was born .. and got sick so young .. we put him in the hospital, gave him antibiotics and IV’s .. we found specialists, ran tests and had him in PT/OT/Speech by the age of 9 months .. we DID something.

When I became ill .. I researched, I learned, I took medication .. I DID something …

When my youngest couldn’t get services through special education .. we fought, we went due process, we went arbitration .. we DID something.

I feel so helpless right now .. there is nothing to do! We just have to wait.

There are no answers.
There is no advocacy that can change what has happened or what will happen.

An anonymous addict leaves a needle in a trashcan and our lives are changed.

When he was little and OCD was causing so much anxiety for him, I would cling to the prayerful words in the song “He’s My son” “Let him grow old, live life without this fear”

and Today, I find myself singing the same prayer … He’s MY SON …

He’s My Son

I’m down on my knees again tonight
I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I’ve done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I’m sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he’s not just anyone
He’s my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he’d like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He’s so tired and he’s scared
Let him know that You’re there

CHORUS

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don’t leave him
He’s my son

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The Unwanted Call

There are a few calls that no parent wants to get
top of the list
“your child has died” … that’s not what this is about …

The others I can think of
Mom I’ve been in a severe accident
Mom I’ve been arrested …

Mom, I’ve been stuck by a needle at work.

That .. that’s what this is about. I over slept (seriously over slept woke up at noon when my bossy cat decided it was way past time for mom to be out of bed) and woke up to a text message
“mommy, I’ve called your voice mail, please call me as soon as you can”

I call .. and he tells me he’s at a workman’s comp clinic after having been stuck by a dirty needle that was in the bathroom trashcan at work (Arby’s)

He was sent to the health department for vaccine for Hep because they only have a supply for employees, not workmen’s comp patients. They didn’t test for HIV … they gave him a tetnus and a test for Hep …

I picked him up to take him to health department that was already closed … and decided to go by his docs office to ask them what should have been done, or what he should do. They took him right back (it is not a walk in clinic, but this is the doctor who delivered him)

He ordered more tests, including HIV … got him the necessary vaccines …

We got done and went by QT to get something to eat/drink. I stopped the car and he burst into tears. As I held him (which is much harder to do with a 21 year old than a 2 year old) he cried “I’m scared! Why me?!?”

I have never heard him say “Why me?”
not when he was sick
not when he had a broken bone
not when his dad was thought to be dying
never …

We get that the chances of infection are small … but that doesn’t relieve the fear … his, or mine.

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Allergies & Poetry?

‘Ode’ To A Weed
by Peggikaye Eagler

Ragweed, oh Ragweed, how I hate thee so.
Ragweed, oh Ragweed, It’s time to go!

Ragweed, oh Ragweed, Leave my eyes alone.
Ragweed, oh Ragweed, My head’s turned to stone.

Ragweed, oh Ragweed, Just what doth thou gain?
Ragweed, oh Ragweed, Do you enjoy inflicting pain?

Ragweed, oh Ragweed, Please, enough is enough,
Ragweed, oh Ragweed, leaving my breath in a huff!

Ragweed, oh Ragweed, You’ve made my throat raw!
Ragweed, oh Rag, weed, This is the last straw!

Ragweed, oh Ragweed, how I hate thee so.
Ragweed, oh Ragweed, It’s time to go!

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Years ago, I read a children’s Book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.,

Wednesday I met w/a friend and we were doing homework together. She helped me with one concept or two I was a bit iffy on but I was pretty confident in the material. I had homework due Thurs at 6, and test at 6 pm

So, I wake up Thursday morning, do my yoga, have my coffee, chat with friends … pull out my math and nothing NOTHING looks even vaguely familiar.

I have a 4:30 appointment with my advisor over my Independent Research (that I’m not overly prepared for). I go up to school and find a study cubby and start to get set up and realize I left my coffee in my car. I grab my purse and keys and realize the elevator is on the other side of the school, the stairway is near me and my car and “hey! I’m healthier now, I can do the stairs w/the best of them). I go down the first set of stairs, turn on the landing, miss the top stair and from there I hit and miss various parts of my body with the the hardest being a very HARD slam of the wrist onto the railing.

At the bottom of the stairs, I realize A) I did not hit my head and B) I have broken nothing. C) this wrist seems to be the worst of it.

So I go to car and get my coffee and take ELEVATOR back up stairs, where I take one look at the book bag and realize that I’ve wasted an hour getting coffee, forgetting coffee … and I have little time to study for test AND see advisor, I stick my head in the door of his office and ask if we can reschdule, my purse promplty drops off my shoulder and hits my arm write on what is already a bruise.

He has no problem putting it off and I brilliantly (or not so much) admit I hadn’t done what was asked so we’re better meeting him next week anway.

I go back to study cubby, grab books and trek back to elevator and head toward the college where my math test will be. I drive the approximately 25-30 miles (depends on what mood google maps is in that day) to downtown tulsa. I don’t take toll roaqds often (they want money!) but decided that was my shortest distance, only failed to realize I had a $20 and no change. After scrambling through bottom of purse, floor boards, ashtray, etc I scrounge up $0.85 to get on the toll (that won’t happen again) I walk from the farthest parking lot (doing that these days to increase walking time) anhd head to the book store to get the test forms needed. Get on the elevator because stairs are not my friend today.

TCC elevators have a nasty habit, anyone who went to TCC in the 80’s and 90’s knows what’s coming ..but this is only 2nd time since I’ve been back. Yep … it STUCK!! (only 10 min)

I finally get to the library and by pass the computers (see, I can do that!) and sit down … pull out my books to study and stand up …. oh my !! The books I have .. are not my math books, they are my behior mod books! Maybe their in the car! So I gather my stuff (sans coffee…again) and leave my coffee to mourn my absense … and check the car for my books … they’re not there.

I load up the books and drive the 21 miles (again, dependent on Google’s mood) to my house in Broken Arrow. I grab the RIGHT books, stop and get a repeat coffee (expensive mistake!) and head back the 21 miles to school.

All this time, I’m becoming more and more anxious, upset, worried that I have absolutely anhialated my chance to succeed in both this homework and this test because I will be lucky to get 45 min study time in and I need at least 2 hours. I park in my normal far away parking lot … and walk to library …. and it starts to do what we thought it had forgotten how to do in Oklahoma … it starts to sprinkle (don’t feel too bad … it was a nice sprinkling ..but did make me slightly damp)

Finally making it PAST the computers again …I open the book, and then text my afriend Jules to vent a bit (as I’d done at home) and I look (as I’d done at home) and then go ..

ok ..that’s union, that’s interscect, that’s compliment … that’s a venn diagram (LOVE those things!)

oh for crying out loud ! this makes sense!!!

I then look at my homework as I realize I’d finished it last night. So, I have, now 30 min to review … I write some notes from top of my head … compare them to text and notes and ..they match.

I go to class …

turn in homework

take test, which isn’t ‘easy’ but neither is it hard … it requires concentration but is not difficult.

I pick up my now graded homework and see something I’m certainly not used to seeing in MY math homework

+25/25

I go home and find a family who is happy to see me … listen to my very horrible terrible day and give me a hug and love me enough to laugh with me …. and it neded ok

Today .. my body has had a severe lupus flare in reaction to the fall … I really beat myself up, little bruising, but lots of swelling, fever and hurt like crazy!!
If yo like this, comment .. and share … re tweeting is nice but no one’s commenting which is giving me a complex. … and yes you may laugh at me

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A Decade

When I was a young girl, I was a girlscout. We ended all meetings with TAPS .. during camps, we’d sing all the verses. Today, as I ponder that horrific day a decade ago, the words have come back to me over and over again (I will place all 4 verses at the end, for now, just the verse running through my mind:
Day is done,
gone the sun,
From the hills,
from the lake,
From the skies.
All is well,
safely rest,
God is nigh.

Many have posted blog posts, articles,commentaries about what they were doing 10 years ago on that day that changed the way we live on this planet. I pondered most of today as to how I would memorialize that day .. and that verse seems fitting

That day, I spent, in a coffee shop (with a TV playing the non stop broadcast) the majority of my friends with me, as we sat in terror watching the world as we knew it come to an end.
During those conversations, one friend in particular spent the day on the edge of panic. Her panic filled questions helped me to define even more strongly what I believe.
What I learned about this friend … she had no real faith .. in anything. She didn’t know if she believed God existed. She didn’t know if she believed in Buddha, Christ, the Jewish God or the muslim one … she didn’t know if maybe something else was in charge, or maybe nothing.

As she questioned those of us with faith, and not all of us had the same faith, most of us had variances even if we did have the same …
she kept saying “but you can’t know!”

As I watched her panic build to a level that she could not be comforted, my heart broke. I went home that evening to take care of my family and my thoughts kept going back to her.

She called me and said “I’ve got it … if you were standing there, and some guy with a gun held a gun to your head and told you to deny your God, or he’d shoot one of your family members, you’d deny Him”
“no, hon, I wouldn’t, it would break my heart and I don’t know how I’d deal with the pain, but I would not, could not will not ever deny my faith in Him”

She started to cry and said “I wish I could believe in something that strong …

That day, that terrible day of horror, terror grief and fear brought one thing to me … the solidity of my faith.

I’ve seen many who claim to believe what I believe who are so ‘strong’ in their belief that they cannot tolerate those who do not believe as I do … but for me, it brought the opposite, the FEAR of someone who doesn’t believe as I do dissipated into nothingness.

I no longer fear someone who believes in a different God
I no longer fear someone who believes in no God
I no longer fear someone who believes in my God, but expresses that faith differently

Instead, I’d rather talk to those people, learn about their faith and what makes them tick, what is it about their faith, or their lack of faith that gives them strength.

It was 9/11 that made me realize that my faith is mine, and one who believes differently can only bring enlightenment, joy and a richness to my life, and hopefully theirs .. that our differences will bring a rainbow of colors to our world ..and our experiences all the better for it. It was 9/11 that made me realize that no terrorist could take away my faith and in that was true freedom.

Day is done,
gone the sun,
From the hills,
from the lake,
From the skies.
All is well,
safely rest,
God is nigh.

Many
Go to sleep,
peaceful sleep,
May the soldier
or sailor,
God keep.
On the land
or the deep,
Safe in sleep.

Love, good night,
Must thou go,
When the day,
And the night
Need thee so?
All is well.
Speedeth all
To their rest.

Fades the light;
And afar
Goeth day,
And the stars
Shineth bright,
Fare thee well;
Day has gone,
Night is on.

Thanks and praise,
For our days,
‘Neath the sun,
Neath the stars,
‘Neath the sky,
As we go,
This we know,
God is nigh.

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