“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” Dr. Phil
I know, me, quoting him isn’t that common, but trust me, there is a reason for it.
When I was young, I got into the habit of turning in half done homework, or not turning anything in. I went to class, took tests and skated by as a B+ average student. My parents, fully believing that expecting straight A’s could be harmful (as teachers they’d seen the pressure of straight A’s wreak havok on families and parent/child relationships) what they never took into consideration was my own potential. So, I come home with A’s and B’s and they had nothing to worry about.
I’d gotten exceedingly lazy. I would not challenge myself. I would not try anything that had the slightest potential for failure … I tried to stay out of the spot light and under the radar. I did not excel, nor fail. I simply existed.
Probably the only time my parents were aware I wasn’t even trying was the few times a year they KNEW I’d completed an assignment (because they clamped down and watched me do it) and then report comes home with zero’s on the work ..why? I didn’t turn it in. (I had no idea how truly baffling that is till my oldest son worked hard, by his own motivation, on a research paper worth 1/4 of his grade then just did not turn it in! He had no explination either).
Time went on and I began skipping on other things …I didn’t take algebra, I didn’t do this, refused to do that … I had more jobs than I can count in the years between 18 and 24 when I had to go on disability. (The application was truly embarrassing). I quit .. simple. Things got hard, or I’d be offered a promotion and I’d flit away.
QUIT was my modus operandi for the first quarter of my life. Nothing was done without lots of structure, guidance and accountability. I was an athlete, but not a star. I was a musician that was just good enough to qualify. The only thing I can say I truly excelled at was sign language and interpreting. The thing is: I refused to get certified as an interpreter.
No follow through …
So ..if Dr. Phil is right …what does that say about me now?
In the last few days, as I’ve prepared to get this Independent Study going, making the necessary steps, I get this knot in my stomach and feel like a hand has grabbed my throat … the elephant is on my chest as I hear in the back of my mind
“quitter! quitter! quitter!”
“Best predictor … yada yada yada” (see … can’t even finish a sentence ;o) …
I’m trying to breathe through the panic and count the things I’ve finished … but at moments like these they’re hard to name.