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Archive for July, 2011

I’m posting this here for the sheer ease of editing and quick retrieval if I need it …

Disability/health services wants a complete list of diagnosis’ and medications (they’d also like, but are not requiring a list of symptoms/issues, but not sure I’ll get to that, maybe in the editing process) (so they can ensure that all my academic needs are met even if I don’t think of something) I rarely list them all … so here goes ..

Myasthenia Gravis (MG)
Lupus (SLE)
Asthma
ED-NOS (surely I don’t have to put that one on their list?)
*Cardomyopathy
Hypertension
Migraines
Hyper-mobile joint syndrome
*Gastroperesis
*Insulin Resistance

(*doctors say is directly caused by ED-NOS … I’m not so sure)

Mestinon 60 mg 4 to 6 times per day
Imuran (Azathioprine) 300 mg per day
Plaquenil 200 mg per day
Atarax 10 mg 2 times per day
Prednisone 80 mg per day
Celebrex 100 mg per day (200 if needed)
Nexium 40 mg per day
Toprol xl 25 mg per day
Crestor 40 mg per day
Niaspan
Actos
15 mg per day
Metformin 500 mg 3 times per day
Azmacort (sp?)
Atrovent
Xopenex
Flonase
Lunesta
Drisdol 50,000 iu 4 times/week
Aspirin 325 mg / day (30 min before niaspan)
Maxalt as needed

Feel like something is missing from both lists but right now my brain is done ….

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I hate that phrase. I tell someone something I’m oh so proud of.. I worked so hard for! I sweated, lost sleep, put friends and family on the back burner to achieve then they say

As Expected
I’m not surprised

or some version of it.

The fact is,
few of us share accomplishments that we haven’t worked for.
few of us share things that are hum drum …they’re either great or we’re in need of support (with the obvious exception of twitters tweets that say things like “I got a cup of coffee” “hi” etc)
few of us are excited about mediocre or ‘easy’ things.

When we share that we
got an A
passed a class
got a degree

it is usually because we are excited
it’s done
we did it
we accomplished a hard fought goal.

The other thing:
I knew you could do it.
There have been many times in the last 3 years I’ve heard that and wanted to say :
based on what evidence.

I knew you could get straight A’s (oh yeah, I never did before)
I knew you’d pass this algebra class (oh yeah? I’ve failed it 2 times, got a D the third)
I knew …

None of us know what kind of work another puts into their accomplishments and I guess I feel “I knew …” devalues that work …

How about
congratulations
I’m happy for you
so proud of you

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Doubts

“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” Dr. Phil

I know, me, quoting him isn’t that common, but trust me, there is a reason for it.

When I was young, I got into the habit of turning in half done homework, or not turning anything in. I went to class, took tests and skated by as a B+ average student. My parents, fully believing that expecting straight A’s could be harmful (as teachers they’d seen the pressure of straight A’s wreak havok on families and parent/child relationships) what they never took into consideration was my own potential. So, I come home with A’s and B’s and they had nothing to worry about.

Except

I’d gotten exceedingly lazy. I would not challenge myself. I would not try anything that had the slightest potential for failure … I tried to stay out of the spot light and under the radar. I did not excel, nor fail. I simply existed.
Probably the only time my parents were aware I wasn’t even trying was the few times a year they KNEW I’d completed an assignment (because they clamped down and watched me do it) and then report comes home with zero’s on the work ..why? I didn’t turn it in. (I had no idea how truly baffling that is till my oldest son worked hard, by his own motivation, on a research paper worth 1/4 of his grade then just did not turn it in! He had no explination either).

Time went on and I began skipping on other things …I didn’t take algebra, I didn’t do this, refused to do that … I had more jobs than I can count in the years between 18 and 24 when I had to go on disability. (The application was truly embarrassing). I quit .. simple. Things got hard, or I’d be offered a promotion and I’d flit away.

QUIT was my modus operandi for the first quarter of my life. Nothing was done without lots of structure, guidance and accountability. I was an athlete, but not a star. I was a musician that was just good enough to qualify. The only thing I can say I truly excelled at was sign language and interpreting. The thing is: I refused to get certified as an interpreter.

No follow through …

So ..if Dr. Phil is right …what does that say about me now?

In the last few days, as I’ve prepared to get this Independent Study going, making the necessary steps, I get this knot in my stomach and feel like a hand has grabbed my throat … the elephant is on my chest as I hear in the back of my mind
“quitter! quitter! quitter!”
“Best predictor … yada yada yada” (see … can’t even finish a sentence ;o) …

I’m trying to breathe through the panic and count the things I’ve finished … but at moments like these they’re hard to name.

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I found the following meme on my first blog (http://pearlsanddreams.blogspot.com)

from Tuesday May 5, 2005

I’ve been Tagged :10 Things I’ve Never Done
Pearls and Dreams

Blondzila tagged me to do 10 things I’ve never done … so, after looking at a few lists … and thinking about it over night … here’s my answers:

1. Never taken illegal drugs.
2. Never taken Algebra.
3. Never gotten a tatoo.
4. Never traveled oversea’s.
5. Never scuba dived.
6. Never changed a baby’s diaper if the baby was under 2 days old. (I was smart, let everyone else do it till I got out of the hospital!I knew I had years in front of me!)
7.Never been snowboarding.
8.Never been to Disney WORLD.
9.Never been to all 50 states (46 of them)
10.Never Died

Well .. if it’s a bucket list I can cross off # 2 …

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Still here ….

Thank you for your patience as this summer spun away … heat ..algebra and computer glitches have gotten in the way of posting. Finals are on thursday …and an update will follow .. I promise!

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When they were young it took so little for my sons to come to the brink of calamity. A skinned knee, a broken glass, an argument with a friend. The world seemed to be constantly filled with landmines that they had to negotiate. But they learned rather quickly that a kiss and a bandaid, mom with a broom and a smile, mom plays part of negotiator (the plate of homemade cookies didn’t hurt) in the friendship. By bedtime, all the bad things would be shoved aside and a kiss and a prayer and they’d fall asleep with smiles on their faces, ready for the next days adventures.

but now .. they’re 19 and 21 and a kiss just doesn’t help.

My oldest son is hurting … and I can’t do anything. Accusations (being falsely thrown at him) that may cause him to loose his job, his transmission went out and the car he’d come close to paying off will suddenly cost $1500 to fix … I can’t make the person throwing accusations at him take their words back, I can only trust that the truth will prevail. I can’t fix his car, nor can I hand him $1500 to fix it …

My youngest is at loose ends with what he WANTS to do and what he’s able to do … and feeling trapped by learning disabilities and limitations.

I can’t FIX my adult children’s grown up problems with a kiss, a cookie and a smile. I can’t fix it … I can only ache watching their pain …

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I’m a perfectionist. No doubt about it. Maybe the “if you can’t do something right, don’t do anything at all” was said to me once too often. Maybe it’s part of my DNA. Maybe .. who knows? Nature vs Nurture usually comes down to Nature and Nurture.

My perfectionism has, at times, taken on morbid and self destructive proportions. It has led me down a path that would cause more problems than I’d ever dreamed of. It has also, on many occassions, left me paralyzed and unwilling to try to move away or through it.

One of those things, as I’ve blogged about, often, over my years of blogging, was algebra. I refused to take it as a teenager and didn’t go to college to avoid taking it. I knew that what kept me from wanting to face college throughout my adult years was that algebra would have to be tackled.

Fear … that is the true basis of my perfectionism. On every level, when it is dissected, fear is the basis.

Today, I walked out of my algebra class
tired
worn
weary

and alive.

The realization that I’ve actually tackled something bigger than me (and the reality has been oh so much harder than I’d even thought it would be!) and while it’s knocked me down a few times, in the end, I’ll win.

But what I realized is the catastrophizing that has been done in my mind … failure, cannot, will not kill me. Failure not only hasn’t hurt me (though, it has hurt my bank account and feelings!) and I’m still here!

I have failed this class … 3 times! I failed beginning algebra 1 time. That is 4 classes FAILED outright without a physical cause … just not being ABLE to do the work (despite HARD work, tutoring and hours and hours and hours of study)

But … I’m still standing and breathing … and you know, no one seems to think less of me for having to work so hard! The failure that so frightened me .. seems instead of weakening me, has made me stronger, instead of bringing me down, has brought me higher, instead of derailing me has helped sharpen my focus.

Maybe .. just maybe other failures will be less scary as I face them in the future.

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