I had a plan for today:
Get up, go to doc and brag about how good I’ve been doing.
The best laid plans of mice and men …
I got up this morning, pulled out my yoga mat (sans coffee for fasting lab, I complaiend rather bitterly on Twitter about this, it helped, but only a little). I started in and noticed a pain in my chest and nothing I did made it better. Every breath I took, it hurt. It only hurt when I took a deeper breath than normal, which is 90% of the breathing in yoga (for me anyway). I wound up giving up about 1/2 way through trying to balance what I need to do vs what I wanted to do.
It’s hard sometimes to realize that this one thing that does SOOO much for me can be something not so good for me at times.
I got dressed, popped on my jewelry, necklace, earring, bracelet, anklet and of coarse, ring. (20th anniversary ring I wear instead of wedding ring) Off to the doc, driving there I realized that my bragging about doing so well was going to have to take a back seat to this breathing pain.
I get to the office and there is parking lot construction. I get out of my car and immediately feel my lungs protest … asthma and tar aren’t friends. I walk in and they are remodeling the building and now I’m wheezing. Dust and asthma/allergies are really not friends!
In the office, she notices that my feet are swollen … we’re talking about my pain when she notices it, then my hands, and elbows are swollen as well and all around joints (gives doc much relief). My chest is HOT where the sternum is (hadn’t really noticed chostrochondritis pain so was surprised by that). Doc listens to me breath and decides to do a pulse ox (93). So, she sits down and gives me her standard “yoga is pain control, not disease control” lecture she’s given me 4 times over the last year .. yeah, I know. (dang! just realized I forgot to talk to her, again, about pain meds!)
I get home and find out a friend, a long time friend (about a dozen years or more) has passed away from lupus. Suddenly it hits me how unimportant my flare is .. in the grand scheme of things. Yet, at the same time, it seems even more important to heed docs advice to take care of my flare and myself in general.
My frustration at the flare getting my way gave way to gratefulness that I am in the state I’m in and improving as time goes by, not worsening .. how much of a blessing that is!
My annoyance at needing to take care of the flare gave way to urgency to be the healthiest I can be … maybe in tribute to those who can’t be or will loose their lives to this terrible disease.
Cognitive dissonance … my brain going to directions at once with the same information, coming up with conflicting resolutions … and yet they end up in the same place. Taking care of me is the most important job I have, so that I can
go to school and get my degree and have my career of my dreams
be the kind of mother I want to be
be the wife I want to be
be the friend I want to be.
Rest in Peace, my friend.